Jen Asay is widely known throughout our community. Having lived in Bernards Township for the last 17 years, she has been involved on the Board of Health since 2012, been elected to the Township Committee in 2022 and started her term as Mayor this year. But her most cherished role is that of a mother of four children. Her two youngest children, Elise and Drew, were adopted from China. Recently I had the amazing opportunity to speak to Mayor Asay and to learn about her and her children’s story.

Q: Hello, Mayor Asay! Thank you for speaking with me today. To start off, I know you have four kids, two of them are your older biological children, while Elise and Drew who are your adopted children. May I ask what made you decide to adopt kids?

A: As I pursued my MBA at the Booth School of Business at the University of Chicago, a lot of my friends were Chinese. Between classes, we would grab lunch. I learned a lot about the Chinese culture and the one-child policy in China, which forced some parents to give up their children. I thought if I could provide a child a home, having been blessed with two healthy children already, I would love to do that. So that’s really what started it.

Q: When did you start the adoption process?

I started my MBA when Regan was three, and Brett was 9 months at the time. Balancing working full time, two young kids, and the MBA was a bit too much to consider adopting at that time. However, I graduated in 2003, and things kind of calmed down. We decided to start the adoption process in 2006. We looked into the process,  found an agency, and submitted our application in 2006. 

Back then, there were a lot more countries that participated in international adoption, like Russia, Guatemala, and others. But unfortunately, due to issues like child trafficking, many of those countries stopped allowing international adoption. Elise’s adoption process was completed via the I-600A while Drew’s was a Hague adoption, which had different processes and requirements.

(Note: The I-600A and Hague are both adoption processes with different forms and requirements. They allow people to adopt internationally).

In 2006, we thought we would have a child within a year because that’s about how long it was taking for adoptions at that time, especially for healthy little girls. But the Chinese government, without informing the outside world, was phasing out adoption of non-special needs kids and focusing on special needs kids. So, we thought we would have a 9-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 1-year-old by the end of that year but instead, we waited 6 years for Elise.

Q: What was it like waiting for 6 years to be matched with a child?

A: After I had my biological children, I gave away all my baby stuff. But after deciding to adopt, I acquired everything quickly I thought I needed for a toddler and then it sat.  . I also immediately went to get a Chinese doll, since we were going to get a baby girl. I had the doll sitting in the box for 6 years because we just didn’t know that it was not going to happen. We painted our house in New Jersey when we moved here in 2007 and her room just sat with pink and purple walls for years.  I checked the website often in the beginning to see where they were in the adoption process.  It was excruciating.  Over time, I still checked often so it was never out of my mind.  

Q: Did you meet any difficulties?

A: Yes, every 15 months, our fingerprints would expire, and every 18 months, the paperwork would expire. We had to redo the process multiple times, which was costly. When we moved out of state, we had to get a new social worker, update our address, and all those things during those 6 years. By 2012, they were transitioning to the Hague Convention. Our agency told us in April 2012 we needed to start the new process but, my husband Derek and I made the difficult decision to leave it in God’s hands and wait to see. Finally, the next month, in May of 2012, we received the call from the agency that we had been matched with a child.

Q: I saw the picture of when you first met Elise. What’s a memorable moment from when you first met her?

A: We traveled to China as a family and acclimated to China for a couple of days. We then flew to the province, and then Sunday was the day they were going to give her to us. The orphanage representatives brought the babies to the hotel. We were waiting in our hotel room for the call that the babies had arrived, not just us but a couple of other families, too. We went downstairs, and there was a lot of anticipation. When they presented us with our children, Elise was initially sad, and then she started to cry when she was handed over to me. She enjoyed interacting with my older children.  She was happier when she went to my husband, Derek. For the first week or so, she didn’t want much to do with me and preferred Derek, so he had to feed her and change her.  I stood next to him making the bottles and helping him.

Q: How did your older children react when they met her?

A: They loved her immediately. It was important for my older kids to come with us; to experience this with us. The whole family adopted Elise together. I also wanted them to be able to describe to her about the process and their visit to China.

Q: Did you pick Elise and Drew’s names?

A: We gave them their first name, but their middle names are their Chinese names.  We knew that our daughter was going to be named Elise, the name I picked out 6 years prior.  Li Song is her given name in Chinese, which means pine tree. Her last name was Yu but it was the last name they gave every child from that orphanage. That’s why I didn’t feel that it was very special. We named our son Drew.  His Chinese given name was Zhi an so it became his middle name.  

Q: What was it like after Elise was adopted?

A: We adopted Elise and she was just such an angel. She was like a doll. My older kids were very involved in athletics and other activities and Elise was just along for the ride. She went to everything and all of the teammates loved her. Like when Brett played basketball, it was so cute that you have these really tall basketball players and then you have this little petite, adorable girl that they’d interact with at the games. Some thought that she was a little team mascot.  She was cute as a button and everybody thought so.

When Elise was in first grade in November, the elementary school had a lesson on families.   It included the definition of families and how different they may be.   She was asked to draw what made her proud of her family:  she drew a picture of herself and that she was proud to be adopted.  It was so cute and heartwarming! She is such a blessing.

Q: What made you decide to adopt a second child?

A: After we adopted Elise, we inspired another family in town. Their family included a son who was on the freshman basketball team with my older son. I was talking to a basketball mom who shared with me, “There’s a bunch of little boys with special needs that need homes.” I shared this with my husband, and he thought I was crazy.   I reminded him that our oldest son would leave us in 3 years for college and Elise would be lonely without a sibling closer in age.  After about 3 weeks, we started the process for Drew. 

Q: What was this process like for Drew?

A: Drew was adopted via the Hague adoption process and was considered special needs. Because it was a special needs adoption, you complete the paperwork as to what types of special needs medical conditions that you are able to accept. Because we were a busy family–Derek and I both work full time and we had other children–we couldn’t take on a child with major disabilities who required significant medical interventions

Drew was officially a cleft lip, cleft palate child. The adoption agency matched us, versus the government who did the matching with our daughter. They obtained access to the special needs children’s files from China to review potential families for matching.  They called us to provide us his medical background, photo, etc and asked if we wanted to proceed with him.  As with both adoptions, we provided a physician with expertise in international adoption expertise the documentation for an assessment of the child.   We adopted Drew through Holt. They actually don’t just do adoption but also try to help children in China as well. One of their workers had spent time with Drew so we had a video of him. We said yes to him and adopted him in a total of around 9 months. 

Q: What has it been like with Drew?

A: I tell Drew, “When I think of you, I think of the word, brave.   You are just so brave.” I take him to CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia) because that’s the institution with the best medical care for his condition. In the US, most parents know their child has a cleft lip and/or palate in utero so they can plan for procedures. These procedures are usually completed at two months and ten months of age.  The adopted kids’ procedures are usually completed much later, which is also associated with lower success rates.  

But yes, he’s my brave one. Elise is my sunshine but he is my brave little warrior, going through so much. And because of Drew, we often donate to charities like Operation Smile. Actually, for Drew’s most recent birthday parties, he encouraged his friends not to bring gifts but to donate to charities. Last year, he also picked St. Hubert’s because he likes animals. 

 I want to help each of my four children to achieve their potential. I know each of them has lots of potential.

Q: Do you try to incorporate Chinese culture in Elise and Drew’s upbringing?

A: Yes! I think that’s extremely important. Before we adopted them, I made a commitment to try to educate each of them about their culture.  I want to make them feel connected with their culture. On Elise’s adoption trip, I bought small gifts for each year to celebrate her adoption, her Gotcha day, until when she turns 21. I wanted something from China to give her–a small token representing her heritage.   That’s also why we have photo albums of the process, our experience in China, etc.   We talk about it as a family. I have these little gifts in my closet. It’s not meant to be a big gift. It’s meant to be unique and special from a heritage perspective. I also give Drew a small gift that represents his culture on his Gotcha day.   This year, he received a dragon since this year was the year of the Dragon.

My family enjoys celebrating important cultural events organized by the Bernards Chinese American Association, such as Lunar New Year and the Mid-Autumn Festival.  We also are involved with some small groups of families who have adopted children from China.  

My transracial adoption experience led me to create the Fabric of Bernards. Nationally, one can see recent backlash on DEI. I feel that one of the downsides of speaking about diversity, is —that it highlights that people are different. In some instances, people don’t want to feel that they are different, right? They want to be accepted and included. And so instead of focusing on differences and what divides us, I believe that through education and positive celebration, we can educate and bring people together.  That’s why the Fabric of Bernards events are celebratory, to highlight positive things for everyone to learn and to be welcoming for all.  

Q: What was the reaction of people when you adopted children from China?

A: We live in Basking Ridge in Bernards Township. We have found it to be a very inclusive place in which everyone is welcome. People have families of many different types. There’s no judgment here. That’s what I appreciate. 

When I travel back to where I’m originally from, we get questions, we get looks. When Elise was little, I’ll not forget, we were at the grocery store. Elise was a baby in the carrier. Someone asked me, “How much was she?” I was just flabbergasted. I’ve been asked “Where is she from?”  

None of those questions are asked to me in Basking Ridge and I feel very lucky to live here. When I was a mystery reader for Elise’s kindergarten class, I walked in, and a little boy said, “Whose mom are you?” and I told him “I’m Elise’s mom.” He responded, “You don’t look like her.” But that’s okay. I used that as a learning opportunity for those children, to show how families come in all different shapes and sizes. I explained that she’s adopted, and we chose her to be a part of our family. 

As the kids get older, I prefer that they don’t hear potentially insensitive questions or statements.   

Q: I know you must be so busy with your two younger kids and work. How do you balance work and family life? 

A: I have always worked, while raising a family.   Most of the time, I do “work” during the work hours and then focus on family during “family time.”  I prefer to call it work-life integration. I also try to be present with my kids when we are together.  I often volunteer for the kids’ activities so we can be together.  

Q: What would you say are some of the greatest lessons or insights you’ve learned that you would give to other parents who might be looking to adopt?

A: Adopting domestically versus internationally is very different with different challenges. Adopting interracially also has different challenges. When we first started the process, the adoption agency asked me, “Do you want the child to look like you?” To some people, they don’t want it obvious that they have adopted children; they want the children to look like them. For me, that wasn’t a concern.

The year before we adopted Elise, we took the older kids to Swaziland,  a landlocked country in South Africa. Today it is called Eswatini. We did a mission trip to work with orphans. If I could have adopted one or more children we worked with, I would have.   The King didn’t permit international adoption. He wouldn’t allow their kids to leave the country. My oldest son asked us then, if we could adopt one of children that he had grown close to.  He repeated it again when we met a family in China who had adopted a child from Ethiopia.  I believe it is great, especially for a child, to embrace others of racial backgrounds different from themselves.   I’m very proud of having a multiracial family

Q: What would you say is the most rewarding part of this entire journey?

A: My adopted children are my children. Even though I did not give birth to them, they are 100% my children. I firmly believe children are our future. We need to nurture them and provide them a safe environment, a loving environment, so they can be what they want to be and to live to their full potential. I want to leave this world a better place than when I entered it. I want to teach my children to have those same principles and ideals.