Disclaimer: Despite this news article being written by a current AP Calculus BC student, the author has declared no conflict of interest. On an unrelated note, bets for the forthcoming fight will be taken during the lunch block outside of the cafeteria. BCBetter is projected to win.

A modern-day Pythagoras vs. Hippasus feud has blossomed at Ridge High School under the leadership of two calculus students. Chen Ru, leader of ABs For Days, hails from what he dubs “the hard life,” a neighborhood complex marked by pristine lawns (note: not the alternative pronunciation for natural log) and women who complain about the lawnmowers on Saturdays. Inta Great’s origins are unknown, although the rumors that describe her villainous rise to calculus notoriety are nothing short of grotesque. Great’s Discord status proclaims herself the charismatic commander-in-chief of the BCBetter cult. 

Recently, the two sects were caught on Lee Field hurling insults at each other. Conte Nuty, a freshman, told reporters that she thought the event was like “eating an entire pint of pistachio ice cream.” 

“I mean, it was okay, I guess,” Nuty said, diving her hand into a box of popcorn. “It was like, super overhyped though. Kinda tasteless too. It’s the double standards for me.” When asked to clarify if she was talking about the fight or pistachio ice cream, Nuty declined to comment. “I don’t need this right now. I actually have an Honors Global History II test to study for. If I get anything less than a 33 out of 40 on it, I’m going to have a 94 for the first marking period! You do realize that’s like, a low A, right?” In a burst of blue lanyard, Nuty fled the scene, her only legacy a piece of paper with the words ROBESPIERRE’S REIGN OF TERROR written in bubbly font and bookmarked by sparkles. 

Our field reporter, Loess Peetal, was able to catch a few of the taunts thrown by both sides. Unfortunately, she was unable to continue transcribing the remarks after five minutes, citing her sudden realization that she had a calculus test to study for and had completely forgotten to memorize the inverse trigonometry derivatives. Below, we have published the best remarks for your viewing pleasure: 

BCBetter (Sei Kwences): How’s it feel to have to count boxes under the curve?

[Kwences takes off his glasses and hunches over, affecting an old man. He squints and points to an invisible graph in front of him, jabbing his fingers in the air like he’s counting.]

ABs For Days (Raymond Sums): You’re just mad that we actually get the concepts explained to us!

[Sums throws his hand backward for a high-five, which is met with five painful-sounding slaps from ABs members. It looks like all that counting finally paid off!]

BCBetter (Liam Mitts): Please. Critical points? You’ll be lucky if you’re not in critical condition by the time this fight is over because we’re gonna stretch you to your limits. 

ABs For Days (Optimus Aytion): Are we talking about critical condition now? You’re the ones who will end up in L’Hopital for drinking and deriving! 

ABs For Days (Deffonit Ontcruls): You guys are just like ex: even when you try to be derivative, it’s all just the same old poppycock!

BCBetter (Boler Kurfs): Low blow, man. Low blow. 

ABs For Days (Mack Lauren): Honestly, you guys totally served! But this isn’t a restaurant, and I didn’t order. Take it back. 

BCBetter (Taylor Series): Girl, please! You have sooooo many hidden talents! Keep them hidden, though. 

ABs For Days (Mack Lauren): Okay, girlie, I see you! I wish I didn’t, though. 

BCBetter (Taylor Series): As if! You’ve literally been copying me since the third grade. You’re just me, but stuck at 0. Move on already! Like, I’m that series, I’ve been that series, still that series, will forever be that series. 

Around 4 p.m, the principal came to spectate, although notably, she did not break up the fight. 

“It’s about time those math kids did something around here,” she said, chomping noisily on a pack of pilfered pretzels from some poor pupil. “It’s always ‘We need new textbooks’ or ‘Sorry, I’m busy studying.’” 

This is a developing story. We will update it calcu-later as more information is released.