I’m hardly someone who complains a lot, but I am writing this because I have finally reached my breaking point. I can’t find more excuses. The school food isn’t just tasteless. It’s fatal. 

When my friend found a part of a broken fork in her salad, we laughed a bit and then she picked out the fork and continued eating. When I found blonde hair in my school food pasta, I felt the bagel I had eaten for breakfast shimmy its way up my throat and then I threw my food away. Sure, it was nasty, and I never bought school lunch ever again, but maybe it was just an astronomically bad day for the cafeteria. Then, Annabelle Hu found moldy parmesan in her pasta and it wasn’t very funny anymore.

If we choose to ignore the fact that rats merrily run rampant in the school hallways and probably the school kitchens – only because I truly believe waging war against the rats will only end in sore defeat – this moldy food thing has got to be our school’s biggest crisis (and that’s saying a lot considering finding a usable bathroom literally means going on a ten minute hunt around the school for one that’s actually open).

Fun fact: Hard cheeses, like parmesan, can last in the fridge up to 3 – 4 weeks until they start to mold [1]. I don’t think often, but this definitely gave birth to a few questions in my mind. How long has this cheese been out there? Does the school do this with other food? Can this still be called a fun fact? The answer to the last question is definitely no, but unfortunately I don’t have the answers to the rest of these questions, and that makes me feel more scared than the nights before my calc exams. 

Sometimes I also wake up in the middle of the night, covered in cold sweat, thinking about the other people who wanted pasta that fateful day.  Considering that the cheese all rests in one bowl until it is scooped out for students, this means that Annabelle’s lucky piece of cheese also spread the joy (yummy bacteria!) to every piece of cheese in other bowls of pasta! R.I.P to any students that felt inexplicable stomach pangs that day. I salute those strong soldiers for their bravery. 

So then, let’s assume I have effectively convinced you to boycott the pasta line. If you’re feeling healthy that day, you could go for the salad that doesn’t taste like a salad for some reason, and … yeah that’s kind of it. If you like carbs, you could go for pizza, fries that sometimes taste like cardboard, mozzarella sticks that have a 50% chance of being soggy, or deep fried macaroni bites. I can’t tell you who came up with the sacrilegious idea of deep fried macaroni bites, or why they exist, but I can tell you that the grease in your throat will be in your company well into your afternoon classes (and that 10 AM is way too early to be causing this type of damage to anyone’s arteries). I am also now assuming that none of this food is fresh upon present findings (read: Annabelle’s moldy cheese pasta) so that just makes the illusion of choice even more exciting.

So, you know, you’ve got options! At least the cookies are crazy good. 

Now, I won’t pretend to be knowledgeable when it comes to running a school. I don’t even have enough self-discipline to keep my room clean. Yet something is telling me that maybe something should be done about our school lunches. Fresher lunch would be amazing for starters. Also maybe take the deep fried macaroni bites off the menu (I don’t care if you like them, they appear in my worst nightmares). Also also, I know this isn’t related at all, but can we please please please do something about the rats. I sit on the floor during lunch and every day I am haunted by what that floor has possibly been through.

Anyways, I don’t want to keep anyone else up at night but if you do buy lunch from the cafeteria please check your food first. You might just find a little present waiting for you.